the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
