This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
