I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
