No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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