he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
