just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
