I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
is wine microwaveable?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
