the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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