i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
