I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i wish my penis had a tongue
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
