Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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