I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We don't watch enough power rangers
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
