You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
The best revenge is premature balding
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
