Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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