This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
