I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
