trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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