i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The pigeons can smell the fear
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club