saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
