my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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