i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
