remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
