how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
