the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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