We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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