It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
