you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
