my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
