i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in