i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
