alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.