Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
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The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
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Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex