I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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