She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
