my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
