My Higher Power is John Stamos
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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