I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
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You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
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Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize