There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
