were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
