If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
