I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
