theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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