dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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