I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
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i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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