hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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