I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
