Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
