I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
