hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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