We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I need a beard to bite.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
