he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
