No awkward lesbian experiences without me
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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