Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
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