His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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