I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
