Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
