i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
