The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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