I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
