i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
