I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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