an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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