Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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