I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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