I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
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It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
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Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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