I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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