Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
