Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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